Just wanted to offer a quick note on this journal entry, Time part 1. This is actually from the archives of my many journal entries and writings that I have done over the years. I hope that you will gain some insights into me and who I am.
What a precious commodity it must be since so few people ever seem to have enough of it. I've checked to Dow Jones and the Nasdaq and cannot find it listed there. Maybe it has a synonym?
Anyway, I have recently come into a lot of it lately. Like so many other people around the globe, I have seen a reduction in my work schedule.
At first I was a bit put off, and I began to worry about "stuff." Stuff like, bills, food, clothing and other necessities. What am I going to do? How will I make ends meet? Now mind you, my hours were only cut and I still had a job. Two points entirely lost to me over the next few days as panic set. Full blown panic would set in the next week as I started falling behind on my bills.
Let me fill some holes. Months before my hours were cut, I was increasingly frustrated with my current condition and I knew God was leading me to go in another direction. But, I wanted to do it my way. Sounds familiar? Read Exodus 33 and it will come to you.
This, as we all know, requires faith. Mine was sorely lacking because I was not completely walking with the Lord during this time. My words and actions did very little to convey the message that I had a relationship with the MOST HIGH.
Day after day, I began to get angrier and angrier because I felt that I did not deserve this. Why would God allow this to happen to me? My 10 year anniversary was coming up and surely this was just Satan attacking me and I was having a trial. Something had to give and foolish me, I thought it would be God. I began to question His reasoning and even HIM.
Yes, I questioned God. Shame and regret fills me when I think about those dark days and nights. Feeling empty and abandoned. Satan had gotten a foot hold into me because I let him. Isaiah 59:1-2 says, "Behold the LORDS'S hand is not shortened that it cannot save; nor his ear heavy, that it cannot hear: But your (my) iniquities have seperated me from my God; and your (my) sins have caused God to hide his face from me, that he will not hear me."
Pretty easy to see why my days and nights were filled with emptiness and abandonedment. Instead of seeing this as God trying to get my attention, to tell me I was backsliding and needed to return to my borders, I rebelled. Prayer was not a part of my extra time neither was bible reading or study. I only did enough to meet the obligations I had at the time.
Well, something happened on the way to insanity. God's never love for me finally broke through and the Spirit began to comfort. Well, I should say I stopped looking at myself and turned my eyes upward out of desperation. Several passages of scripture were brought to my remembrance.
Psalm 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging for bread."
Matthew 6:28-34 (v.33) "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and HIS righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
My anxiety began to wane. In doing so I began to focus on what these passages were saying to me. WHERE WAS MY FAITH?
Talk about getting punched in the stomach!!
I will end it here and post part 2 in the coming days.